Tag: communication

Are You Being Assertive or Selfish? Discover the Difference

In the fine art of finesse, you get much better results when others perceive you as being assertive rather than selfish. Either way, you’re letting others know what you want or need, so why is there such a difference?

Assertiveness is a positive quality that makes others feel good about helping you get what you want. On the other hand, selfishness pushes others away. It makes them want to keep you from getting your way!

Let’s look at some examples:

Selfish

When you appear selfish, it looks like you’re concerned only with yourself and your advantage to the exclusion of the feelings, wants, and needs of others. Your focus is completely on you. This might trigger others to feel negatively toward you.

You could come off as demanding or even rude when you’re behaving selfishly.

Selfish Examples

  • John said, “I’m in need of a decision now and I don’t want to wait two more hours to learn what it may be. Let’s go to the point right now!”
  • Susan loudly demanded the salesperson send her a revised contract because the terms weren’t clear enough for her.
  • Jane insisted that she be first to get into the que for receiving her product when she was late placing her order. “My timeline is now all screwed up”

Assertive

When you’re assertive, you appear self-assured, confident, declarative, definite, emphatic, and positive about what you want.

You might not like the way something has taken place, but you’re able to stand up for yourself and appropriately say what you require. You have no malice toward others and you’re not feeling frustrated.

You’re simply asking for or stating what you want to happen with confidence and courtesy.

Assertive Examples

  • Jim said, “There’s no rush in requiring a final decision and I know we’ll need to wait a few more hours. I’m going to work on a few of the other details in the meantime. What day & time would be best to take delivery?”
  • Gloria was subtle as she noted to the salesperson and spoke quietly. “I’d like to understand what I’m signing. Could you please outline these terms & how they apply to me? I’d really appreciate it.”
  • Julie was concerned about a few of the home projects she’s lined up. She said to Michelle, who took her order, “Since I have a few projects that I’m coordinating, could I get updates as to any delays so that I can be proactive in addressing how it may impact my other projects?”

What would your natural reactions be to these requests? Considering the feelings of others can make all the difference – regardless of what you’re asking for.

Your Own Feelings When Being Selfish or Assertive

You can determine whether you’re acting selfish or assertive, depending on how you’re feeling when you make a request:

Selfish

  • When you’re reacting in a selfish way, you’ll often find yourself experiencing negative feelings. You can’t figure out why others don’t see that you’re unhappy or not getting the attention you deserve. Why don’t they understand?
  • You may feel frustrated or short-tempered.
  • You want your way. You want what you want when you want it. And you want it now!

Assertive

  • On the other hand, when you’re assertive, you likely don’t have negative feelings. You’ve thought about what’s going on and realized your needs weren’t being met so you stepped forward to state them succinctly and without negativity.
  • You have no negative or hidden agenda to “get back” at someone or loudly demand what you believe you should have.
  • You feel you can calmly state what it is you’re after. It’s clear and understandable. You just want to resolve the situation.

Use these points to determine whether you’re behaving selfishly or assertively. Strive to use assertiveness to help you accomplish your goals and you’ll find that you get where you want to be much quicker.

How to Improve Communication with Your Boss

Good communication allows many situations to run smoothly. However, there are certain relationships that deserve extra attention, such as the relationship you have with your boss. You and your boss have drastically different roles, and when each of you fulfills these roles with a hard working and understanding attitude, you’ll both feel fulfilled.

Get To Know Your Boss

As in all personal and professional relationships, it’s important to understand how others communicate. 

Everyone has their own set of likes and dislikes, and everyone has their own unique personality types and communication styles. Once you understand their preferences, you can adjust your style and methods of communication to best suit their needs.

It is important to take note of communication patterns. Does your boss email after hours? Does your boss email on weekends? Does he/she prefer face-to-face meetings? Does he/she prefer end-of-week summaries? The trouble with a lot of communication today is the perception that it has happened. By identifying patterns early in the relationship you can have an open conversation about what the expectations are around how and when to communicate.

Understand Your Relationship

It’s important to develop a good business relationship with your boss. Find out what he expects and what his/her goals for the business are, that way you can both be working toward the same goal.

The following tips can help you further improve your communication with your boss:

1. Avoid being too friendly. It’s important to be friendly, but only to a certain extent. You’re not true friends with your boss. While it may seem like a good idea at first, it can lead to some uncomfortable situations. Your boss might have trouble giving you negative feedback, or your co-workers may develop jealousy. Too often this is a lesson learned after the fact.

2. Schedule meetings with your boss. Managing up is just as important as managing down. Proactively scheduling regular meeting with your boss gives you an opportunity to manage up. Your boss may or may not be scheduling regular meetings with you. Regardless of this, take the initiative to schedule time with your boss if you feel the need. Your boss will know that you’re serious about developing your business relationship and that you really care about your job and the company.

3. Problem solving. Find out if you can help your manager with any problems that need attention. What are the burning imperatives? While you don’t want to step on any toes, your boss will surely appreciate you taking the initiative. Doing so will really give you the chance to stand out. 

4. Maintain patience. The title “Supervisor” is misleading in that there is no super vision powers innate to the role. The pandemic has brought many challenges and situations where there were no answers or easy solutions. Perhaps you would’ve done things differently than your boss or you strongly feel that one of his/her decisions won’t turn out right. Develop the wisdom to know if you should keep your mouth shut and go with the flow, or if you should politely speak up. 

5. Shift your perspective. You can improve your communication with your boss and feel less frustrated just by putting yourself in their shoes. Imagine what everything is like for them; they likely have more burdens and pressures on their shoulders than you realized. The hardest aspect of being a manager are the problems that are prevented hardly ever get recognized, it is the problems that could not have been prevented that get the attention.

Be Prepared

Even if you’re not quite sure what to say all the time, as long as you are prepared and honest in your communication, your boss will surely notice. So if you have to reflect and write down your thoughts ahead of time, so be it. That level of preparation will benefit you in the long run. As the saying goes, it is better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt. If you are a more deliberate speaker do not hesitate to take the appropriate time to come up with a well thought-out response to a particular situation.

With any relationship, good communication skills are a huge benefit. Strive to work on strengthening these skills every day and it will help your career to flourish. In the end, your positive attitude and willingness to understand others will help you forge stronger, more permanent bonds.